Correction please!

I`ve recently discovered the simple pleasure of reading bizzare English sentences while grading papers. I teach five writing classes and in each I`ve set up a pretend pen pal exchange where I type up a letter from a made-up American high school student named Peter, pass them out and then the students write a letter to Peter covering the same content that Peter wrote about. We`ve covered topics like family, friends, home town, likes and dislikes ect... and, needless to say, things have been....lost in translation. Here are a few examples of my students` fine work. Imagine yourself with red pen in hand:

1. My best friend`s name is Ichiro. He is a great baseball player in the world.

Hmm, technically, that is true.

2. My classroom teacher is Mr. Kimura. We call him ``Kimura`` he have pasion. We love him. But, he love running than us. hollow.

Umm, should I report this?

3. I have many family and a little friend. I`m happy. Do you?

4. I`m so sorry. I have no friends, and family too. Because I love alone. I`m so sorry. ALL things is lie.

Well no wonder you love alone.

5. I love my town because it has a old chapel. Please tell me about your lover and your date plan.

An old chapel? How lewd.

6. And CRAZY friend Syuei is a baseball player. He like girl. He heir bouzu. He is alone. I think he is pity.

I once had a friend. He heir bouzu too. It was so sad.

7. My father works for a build house company. And my mom is a baby shitter.

Ooo, how much does she charge?

8. My father, Kei, works for a secret.

Shh...