The parents on the bus go "chug, chug, chug."

The words “bad”, “wrong” and “no” are all rolled up into one easy-to-say Japanese power word. If you ever want to express pure, unwavering negative sentiment while asserting rude aggression just say “Dame!”

That being said, I went on a PTA trip last weekend. Parents, teachers and one little gaijin* piled onto a bus at 8 am Saturday morning for a two hour road trip to Iwate Prefecture to go to a “Stained Glass Park”, a sake (alcohol) museum, and a river boat tour. We hit the road and a stewardess poured a couple of cases of beer into a cooler and started handing out microphones while TVs dropped down from the ceiling. “Oh no” I thought, these are all the ingredients for karaoke. I turned to the teacher next to me and, half kidding, I asked if there’s going to be karaoke on the bus. “Of course” he said but he meant to say “What bus trip would be complete without karaoke, duh.” But, it was apparently too early for that just yet, but not too early to crack open beers and give self-introductions over the loud speaker…They saved karaoke for the bus trip back: two straight hours of bad singing and non-stop clapping in very close quarters, I wanted to commit seppuku*.

But, long story short, we carved glass at the park, drank and ate at the sake museum and went on an amazing river boat tour through soaring purple rock canyons dense with bamboo jungles. Guides steered our longboats by pushing against the river bottom with long wooden poles while telling stories and singing traditional Japanese songs. The boat had tatami mats instead of benches so all thirty passengers took off their shoes and sat on the deck. Dozens of colorful two foot coy followed the boats as we fed them. It was serene and beautiful in a way I can’t describe.

But, this is Japan and parents were drunk so hilarity was bound to ensue. There was only one father that went on the trip and I guess he had something to prove in the way of drinking, because he drank…a lot. He passed out on the river boat and challenged nature's serenity with the low grumble of his snores. But, about an hour before the boat ride and his alcohol induced slip into unconsciousness we were all eating lunch at the sake museum while he, on the other hand, was drinking his lunch. He was sitting next to me and, in broken English, he offered me his daughter, which by the way, was something even the more sober parents did. I asked him questions about his daughter and as the conversation continued we slowly drew the attention of the rest of the group. Right when all heads were turned to our end of the table he says, "My daughter is fat, is it ok?" "Umm, well…" I say and look around at all the eager faces around me, "I don’t really, uhh…" But, then I remembered the novel Shogun by James Clavell, it taught that in Japan one must show resolve, strength and assertiveness or else get one’s head chopped off by samurai. So I straightened by back, locked eyes with the man and sternly said, "Dame fat girls."

There was a moment of silence and a collective inhale from the group as everyone waited for the father’s reaction. His eyes squinted slightly at me. But then he burst out laughing and clapped. "Dame fat girls!" he repeated. The rest of the group finally exhaled and laughed with him.

I don’t know if I earned their reverence or just tarnished my courteous image but, after that, no more parents offered me their daughters. And I didn’t get my head chopped off by samurai, thank you James Clavell.

PS

A word to the wise, don’t say “dame fat girls” in Mexico because you’d be saying, “give me fat girls”…unless of course you actually want fat girls.

PPS

*Gaijin = foreigner...namely, me.

*Seppuku, also known as hara kiri, is the suicidal ritual that samurai performed when they were shamed or when avoiding capture...or when karaoke on a bus became too much to bear.