Wednesday, September 27, 2006

This story is only "a device that is very useful for a particular job."

Almost everyday at my base school (Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays) this stout, nervous little man siddles up to my desk and asks me a question about English. He stands almost directly over me and slowly stumbles through his questions. I watch his mouth tremble and beads of sweat pool up and drip past his receding hairline while he tries to talk to me. It's the most akward, uncomfortable part of my day. I don't mind being asked questions, I just don't want the poor guy to have an aneurysm.

But what makes it even more uncomfortable is that he usually presents his questions in the form of a test. Like, one day he stuttered,
"Will you meet me outside the office at p.m. 2."
"Umm, what?"
"Will you meet me at p.m. 2?"
"Do you mean 2 p.m."
"Ahhh! 2 p.m., that's right."
And he smiled, giggled and went back to his desk. It's as if he's testing english, and it pleases him when he gets the expected results. He already knows the answers but, like a scientist, he wants to observe the answer take place. So, I think of these interactions with him not as the answering of his questions but rather his oppurtunities for little english experiments. I am the subject upon which he tests his english hypotheses.

The other day, I found him suddenly standing over me sweating on cue. He asks,
"Can I have two dolls?"
"Two -- dolls?"
"Yes, may I have two dolls?"
"Hmm, do you mean two dollars?"
"Yes! Two doll-lars. Ha!"
But this time, in addition to his experiment he had a story about being in Canada and misunderstanding someone that asked him for two dollars. He had thought they were asking for two dolls. After telling his story I told him that I enjoyed it, and he says,
"Oh no, it was only a gizmo."
I was a little caught off guard. "Sorry your story -- was a what?"
He sweats bullets and trembles uncontrollably. "Ehh, a gizmo, ehh, in a car, eh, lighter...dashboard, ehh, compass..."
I explained the correct use of the word "gizmo" right before his head exploded.

In some literary stretch of the word, perhaps, "gizmo" could mean unimportant or trivial, but I'm here to promote good english not grant poetic liscense or make polite allowances. So, sorry little guy, this experiment failed; you need to rethink your gizmo hypothesis.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Psst, what did you get for #4?

I came back to my desk after teaching a class to find a worksheet that accidentally made its way from a JTE's desk to mine. At the top of the page are directions in Japanese and below are ten sentences in English. I read number 1: Takashi likes the movie and then number 2: You play tennis. OK, this content seems normal and applicable enough...but I read on. Number 3: The storm damaged many houses in this neighborhood. Alright, it`s getting a little violent but its still reasonable; then I read number 4: The car kills my girlfriend.
I know I can`t survive for long in an English speaking country without these key phrases. But, apparently, even in survival English there can be casualties.

PS

JTE = Japanese Teacher of English

Monday, September 18, 2006

My treasure

So I was standing in front of a class last week listening to the JTE explain english grammar rules in Japanese when he turns to me and asks if I've learned any interesting Japanese. The best thing I could come up with is that I know how to write "sushi" in Kanji. So I turn to the board and wrote it impressing the students to no end. And, ever since my self-introduction, students give me "the horns" for almost any occassion so a few students put their horns up, but they had their thumbs out. So I corrected them, and then went on to explain what a longhorn is. So, I started drawing a Texas Longhorn on the board and a student said something and everyone laughed. The teacher explained that they were laughing because my drawing, thus far, looks like "your treasure" and, with both hands, pointed at his crotch.
Through a laugh I tried to explain that it was a kind of cow and a student called out "bull!" "Yes" i said, "very good" and I wrote "bull" under the Texas Longhorn. Again, the class laughed and the teacher turns to me and says, "They're wondering how big your treasure is." The class goes silent in anticipation of my answer. There's a long akward pause. "Well" i say while pointing at the board, "like a bull's."
Some students laughed and others put up their horns.

As easy as post

Posting comments is no longer something you wished you could do but didn't have the time or patience to set up a blog account. Anyone can now post thanks to the advice of my much more blog savvy neighbor and fellow ALT, Annie.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Nothing to do with Japan

Hey everybody, this has nothing to do with Japan except that sometimes I have a lot of time on my hands at work to surf the web. Type into google--your name + needs. So, for me its: ``Matthew needs`` and you get some very amusing sentences. Here are some of mine:

1. Matthew needs an excorcism.
2. Matthew needs an adoptive family with a positive male role model.
3. Matthew needs to double his fluid intake and drink way more than any normal child would drink.
4. Matthew needs a loving home with lots of good direction to help him reach his goal of being a magician some day.
5. The truth about Matthew needs to be known
6. Matthew needs your help!
7. All Matthew needs is a little imagination.

I would like to thank Ashley T. for giving me this invaluable tool to obtain priceless insight into what I need in my life.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

I'm crazy about...

A day of class was devoted to learning the phrase "I'm crazy about...", which is strange in and of itself, but what made it funny was the example the textbook gave was "I'm crazy about Leonardo DiCaprio."

We do this thing in class called Chorus Reading where I read the example dialogue outloud in a very slow, clear, loud and sometimes sickeningly positive voice to get the students to repeat. So, here I am in class walking up and down the aisles practically yelling, "I'm crazy about Leonardo DiCaprio!" You'd be surprised, yelling that phrase at 40 Japanese high school students is a strangely cathartic experience, and after 14 classes you almost start to believe it...yeah, you know, maybe I am crazy about Leonardo DiCaprio, he was great in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. But if you think yelling it was strange, hearing 40 students yell that phrase back at you a few dozen times is what gave me the sudden urge to rent Titanic.

I wonder if there is a class of non-english speakers somewhere in the world yelling, "I'm crazy about Gary Busey"?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Rike my job? Not rearry.

I was at my desk while my supervisor and fellow teacher,Utsumi-sensei, was frantically grading papers. Out of the blue she turns to me and says...

Utsumi-sensei: Mashew-sensei, do you think Japanese teachers enjoy teaching students?
Me: Uhh, well, it seems like they do...
Utsumi-sensei: Do you think we like to be a teacher?
Me: Umm, generally it seems like teachers have a good attitude about-
Utsumi-sensei: We don't enjoy teaching students. I don't enjoy teaching. I will stop teaching in seven to eight years.
Me: Oh...how long have you been teaching?
Utsumi-sensei: I teach for 18 years. It's very hard work, we don't enjoy it. We have to work many hours, I come in Saturday, Sunday. Now, you just starting, now, it is your turn.