Psst, what did you get for #4?

I came back to my desk after teaching a class to find a worksheet that accidentally made its way from a JTE's desk to mine. At the top of the page are directions in Japanese and below are ten sentences in English. I read number 1: Takashi likes the movie and then number 2: You play tennis. OK, this content seems normal and applicable enough...but I read on. Number 3: The storm damaged many houses in this neighborhood. Alright, it`s getting a little violent but its still reasonable; then I read number 4: The car kills my girlfriend.
I know I can`t survive for long in an English speaking country without these key phrases. But, apparently, even in survival English there can be casualties.

PS

JTE = Japanese Teacher of English

My treasure

So I was standing in front of a class last week listening to the JTE explain english grammar rules in Japanese when he turns to me and asks if I've learned any interesting Japanese. The best thing I could come up with is that I know how to write "sushi" in Kanji. So I turn to the board and wrote it impressing the students to no end. And, ever since my self-introduction, students give me "the horns" for almost any occassion so a few students put their horns up, but they had their thumbs out. So I corrected them, and then went on to explain what a longhorn is. So, I started drawing a Texas Longhorn on the board and a student said something and everyone laughed. The teacher explained that they were laughing because my drawing, thus far, looks like "your treasure" and, with both hands, pointed at his crotch.
Through a laugh I tried to explain that it was a kind of cow and a student called out "bull!" "Yes" i said, "very good" and I wrote "bull" under the Texas Longhorn. Again, the class laughed and the teacher turns to me and says, "They're wondering how big your treasure is." The class goes silent in anticipation of my answer. There's a long akward pause. "Well" i say while pointing at the board, "like a bull's."
Some students laughed and others put up their horns.

As easy as post

Posting comments is no longer something you wished you could do but didn't have the time or patience to set up a blog account. Anyone can now post thanks to the advice of my much more blog savvy neighbor and fellow ALT, Annie.

Nothing to do with Japan

Hey everybody, this has nothing to do with Japan except that sometimes I have a lot of time on my hands at work to surf the web. Type into google--your name + needs. So, for me its: ``Matthew needs`` and you get some very amusing sentences. Here are some of mine:

1. Matthew needs an excorcism.
2. Matthew needs an adoptive family with a positive male role model.
3. Matthew needs to double his fluid intake and drink way more than any normal child would drink.
4. Matthew needs a loving home with lots of good direction to help him reach his goal of being a magician some day.
5. The truth about Matthew needs to be known
6. Matthew needs your help!
7. All Matthew needs is a little imagination.

I would like to thank Ashley T. for giving me this invaluable tool to obtain priceless insight into what I need in my life.

I'm crazy about...

A day of class was devoted to learning the phrase "I'm crazy about...", which is strange in and of itself, but what made it funny was the example the textbook gave was "I'm crazy about Leonardo DiCaprio."

We do this thing in class called Chorus Reading where I read the example dialogue outloud in a very slow, clear, loud and sometimes sickeningly positive voice to get the students to repeat. So, here I am in class walking up and down the aisles practically yelling, "I'm crazy about Leonardo DiCaprio!" You'd be surprised, yelling that phrase at 40 Japanese high school students is a strangely cathartic experience, and after 14 classes you almost start to believe it...yeah, you know, maybe I am crazy about Leonardo DiCaprio, he was great in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. But if you think yelling it was strange, hearing 40 students yell that phrase back at you a few dozen times is what gave me the sudden urge to rent Titanic.

I wonder if there is a class of non-english speakers somewhere in the world yelling, "I'm crazy about Gary Busey"?

Rike my job? Not rearry.

I was at my desk while my supervisor and fellow teacher,Utsumi-sensei, was frantically grading papers. Out of the blue she turns to me and says...

Utsumi-sensei: Mashew-sensei, do you think Japanese teachers enjoy teaching students?
Me: Uhh, well, it seems like they do...
Utsumi-sensei: Do you think we like to be a teacher?
Me: Umm, generally it seems like teachers have a good attitude about-
Utsumi-sensei: We don't enjoy teaching students. I don't enjoy teaching. I will stop teaching in seven to eight years.
Me: Oh...how long have you been teaching?
Utsumi-sensei: I teach for 18 years. It's very hard work, we don't enjoy it. We have to work many hours, I come in Saturday, Sunday. Now, you just starting, now, it is your turn.

Please allow myself to introduce...myself.

I have now given my fifty minute self introduction nine times in the past five days in my slowest and clearest english to nine different classes, each with forty confused, expectant japanese students. My presentation consists of me introducing myself and my very condensed life story, then I play an example of Texas country music on my ipod speakers, and I sing "The Eyes of Texas" while the UT band plays in the background, I try to hackie-sac and then ask for a volunteer to try and then I have the students play a hot-potatoe type game where the student caught holding the hacki-sac after a quarter stops spinning has to make an english sentence using atleast one word from a list of vocabulary words on the blackboard, and finally, I show them pictures from home if there is enough time. Peppered among the good students are class clowns that repeat everything I say in their best anecdotal American accents, there are also overworked sleepers that can't seem to lift their heads for more than thirty seconds at a time, and straight-backed stoics that cower if I so much as look at them let alone call on them, all with a VERY limited english comprehension ability. After performing nine times and having to keep audiences like these enthralled and focused I now know how it feels to be a heckled teaching performing foreign clown who is, often, utterly incoherent to his audience. But, I have fun with it and I think I get through to them at times.

Also, I've given a speech in Japanese at both of my schools in front of all the staff and students, which was a surreal experience to say the least. Imagine standing in a utterly quiet gym with about 600 people that don't speak your language and you're the only westerner they have any direct or indirect contact with. You patiently sit next to the principle while he speaks Japanese into a microphone and then you hear him say "A.L.T. blah blah Mashew-sensei blah blah blah Mashew-sensei." So you know it's your turn to speak. You walk with the principle up to the stage as every girl covers her mouth and giggles and every boy whispers and all you can make out is "Mashew-sensei, Mashew-sensei." The principle speaks again and this time you hear "blah blah Texas" and there is a low rumble of approval from the students because, our arrogance in our state is finally justified, Texas is famous worldwide. Then, once again you hear "Mashew-sensei" and the principle beckons you to speak. After stumbling through sounds without meaning, wa ta shi wa...de su...ka ra...ki ma shi ta...yo ro shu o ne ga i shi ma su, there is a roar of applause from the students and, as the only white male to walk these halls since...ever, you have offically achieved super star status. Now, you can no longer go anywhere without hearing your name, title and a laugh-filled "Herro, guuto morningu" from students. You are now the biggest thing to hit this school since steamed rice.

Well, good morning everyone. My name is Matthew O'Hair. I am twenty three years old. I am from America and I am a famous heckled teaching performing foreign clown. What is your name?

PS

I put descriptions on all my pics.

More pics

Hey everyone, I posted a few more pics. I did a little exploring near my apartment and found this buddhist cemetary, some temples and shrines. There are also a few other pics from around town, enjoy.

New pics are in...

They're pics of my city, my apartment...my Geishas ;) They are actually just a bunch of kimono-clad festival goers, I went to a fireworks show in Sendai on the 5th. Anyways, the link is on the right, enjoy.

www.Engrish.com

If you haven`t been to www.engrish.com you must go. It`s a site dedicated to strange english translations found in Asian countries. Anyways, I had an Engrish moment in Tokyo...I was waiting for an elevator in Keio Plaza and looked over at the back of a shirt a Japanese was wearing. It said: `YOU LOOK ME!!! Look at this cat how it does not take to me yet I still hold it` and had a little picture of someone holding a cat...bizarre.

The Adventure Begins!!!

Hey everybody, I have arrived! I spent three exhausting days in Tokyo sitting through seminars and workshops trying to ween myself from U.S. central time, normal sized beds and...familiarity. Then, I headed to my town, Ishinomaki, which, by the way, means `rolling stone.` They like Western pop-culture so much they name their towns after British rock bands and Bob Dylan songs ;). I feel very welcome and surprisingly comfortable, I`m perfectly content taking in all the foreign people, places, sights and smells but I`ll see how I feel in a month when the novelty wears off. But even then, I think I`ll love my job and find fullfillment in the constant challenge of adjusting to a truly foreign culture. And, when it comes down to it, right now it just feels good to have no direction home, a complete unknown...like a rolling stone.